Kids...

So I was pretty sure I didn't want kids ever ever. Mostly because I'm selfish - I like to have me time, lots and lots of me time, I like hanging out with friends and going out whenever I want to, never having to worry about anyone else. I have very few responsibilities and I like it that way-keeping the plant sitting in the corner of my living room alive is difficult enough. Speaking of, I should water it, it's looking pretty limp.

I used to really like hanging out with kids, and I dreamed of having 3 kids - start with twin boys and then a couple of years later have a girl. My career goal was to work with children with autism, and I did for 3 years. I enjoyed it immensly in the beginning, but it was so intense, and soon I burnt out. It was around the time I decided not to pursue a career in working with children with autism that I started to feel that I didn't want to have children of my own. I used to say that it was because children seem to suck the life out of their parents, and the parents don't ever have time for themselves and I don't want to be in that situation.I know that parents with children with autism are in a completely different bracket from parents with "normal" kids, but I still felt the same way. Now that I've been thinking about it really long and hard, I think that's not it at all. I think I realize how much love and energy these parents devote to their children and I don't think I could ever do anything like that. What if I did have a child with autism? I burnt out in 3 years, how can I devote myself for the rest of my life? Parents work hard just to make a living, but then they also work waaaaaay harder to make sure their kids are getting the best of everything - and that never ever ends! Oh my brain hurts. I'll think about this later...

Background Story

During my sophomore year in college, my roommate came home one night, very excited about a new money making idea. She said she could make thousands of dollars by donating her eggs. I had no idea what she was talking about so she gushed and told me that she would take fertility drugs for a month and they'll harvest her eggs and she'll be rich. It sounded strange but intriguing, so we did some research and it didn't sound too bad. So we headed to the fertility clinic and we each filled out an application form. While talking to the doctor, I lost my interest as it seemed too time consuming and way more work that I wanted to put in.

About 2 years later, I decided that I didn't want to have children. I was so wise and I knew everything then, so I knew exactly what I wanted. I no longer have that superpower. While I knew I didn't want to have children of my own, I wanted to procreate and have my offspring indirectly - make a genetic donation to the world without the responsibilities. Egg donation seemed like the perfect solution - I would help someone, my want for indirect procreation will be done, and I wouldn't have to worry about whether the child/children were being taken care of because obviously the parents really really want to have the baby. And the fact that I get paid for it made it even more attractive. So I went back to the clinic, had a more serious discussion with the doctor and started getting the various tests done. The ultrasound, the blood test, and the psychological test were completed, I submitted my baby picture and all there was left to do was to wait for a couple to choose me.

I waited and waited and eventually, 3 years went by. There was some contact from them, asking if I still wanted to be on their donor list and such. I had basically forgotten about it when they called me out of the blue and asked for an additional baby picture as there was a couple who were interested but wanted to get a better picture since in the first picture I had a hat and sunglasses on. With my heart thumping, I sent them another picture. As I was sending the picture, I thought, oh my gosh, this could actually happen! It had been so long and I had basically given up on the whole thing. Now I wasn't sure if I 100% didn't want children anymore, there's always a possibility that as I get older, I may change my mind. Not that if I donate my eggs, I will lose my fertility, it's just that now, I didn't need someone else to have my baby (that sounds weird). I researched the egg donating process again and looked up the risks. Of course, I found a bunch of horror stories about ovarian hyperstimulation and infections in the uterus and the horrendous pain after the harvest. I spoke to a couple of ladies who had donated eggs before and they reassured me that those risks are very small and that they had good experiences. So I calmed myself down and waited for them to call me and say that I was chosen.

For 3 months, I heard nothing. So I gave up again, a bit offended that they rejected me after seeing a clear picture of my face. I was a cute child!! Then one day, I received an email from the coordinator informing me that I had been chosen by the couple and that I should schedule a genetics testing (I guess she had been calling me for weeks, but I was screening because I didn't know the number and my voicemail box is full so she couldn't leave me a message.). Oh my gosh, it's really going to happen!! PANIC!! I wrote back to let her know that I was still interested but wanted to ask about the risks and what she has witnessed at the clinic. All sorts of thoughts were going through my head - what will my family think, how will my boyfriend feel, can I give myself injections, how will I react to the hormones, what if I'm the small percentage of people that the bad things happen to, do I agree to have the child find out who I am if they choose to once they turn 18, can I commit to doing this for a month???

I will share my thoughts and my journey as an egg donor on this blog.