A Little Better Today

Yesterday was not a good day, and I had a hard time falling asleep. I found a 10mg Valium pill in my bag of goodies from the clinic that I was supposed to take before the egg retrieval but forgot to, so I decided to test it out. It was amazing, as after about 20 minutes I could stand up straight and relaxed enough to fall asleep.

I woke up this morning, praying for a miracle. And I kind of got it! I rolled out of bed without any pain and nausea is gone! Excitedly I looked in the mirror to discover that I still had a huge belly and couldn't stand up straight, but I didn't need pain meds to walk! And...wait for it...I stood up for about 7 minutes to do the dishes! WOO HOO!!

I know, I get excited very easily these days.

Suffering

Holy crap, my life sucks more than I ever imagined!! So I've been on bed rest for almost a week. First due to pain, then on Friday, I realized that part of the discomfort was due to an almost week long constipation. So I very slowly drove to the pharmacy and got some laxatives. The pharmacist suggested an enema (YIKES!!), but I opted for the Miralax that you mix into your drink. That was gross. And it didn't work. On Saturday, I went back to the pharmacy for a different kind of laxative - the kind that you have to insert in your...ahem...you know. Well, that worked very well, I recommend it to anyone with a serious problem.

Now for 6 days, I've been suffering from a huge stomach syndrome. I mean it is HUGE. Even with the pain meds I haven't been comfortable since the harvest. Oy. I can't stand up straight, not quite sure why, but I blame the huge belly and it's so tight, it's not flubber, it is solid, and it won't go away!!! It's so whiny, I know, but it's my blog, so I get to whine all I want. I haven't been able to eat more than a few bites of food before feeling like death, and I can't tell if I'm nauseous or hungry. Today I was able to eat a whole slice of pizza over 30 mins - I found that if I eat super slowly, it doesn't hurt as badly.

Last night, I went to work, and it was not good. I was in pain most of the time, and finally in the second hour I became very nauseous and ended up vomiting a bit. Then I came home and had the most painful night since Wednesday. I called the clinic this morning and asked if this was ok, and apparently, according to the way I responded to the hormones, this IS normal. Cuz remember, my ovaries were the size of grapefruits and they'll get bigger before they get smaller. SOB. They asked if I had been gaining weight or if I had trouble going to the rest room, answers to both are no, and apparently, that's good. WOW. I've been on pain meds most of today and I really don't want to do this anymore. Sigh. They expect it'll be another week before my tummy goes down. WHY ME?!?!?!?!

Egg Retrieval

Yesterday morning, my friend C drove me to the clinic for the harvesting of my eggs. As I laid myself down on the bed, I told myself, the end of my bloated discomfort is near!! Woo hoo! The nurse came in to install the IV, and had the hardest time with both arms - according to her, by the end of the cycle, the body is so beat up and tired that it doesn't want to give anymore. I believe it...both arms were pretty badly bruised and after being poked in the arm 4 times, I was ready to go home. Another nurse came in and announced that we were going to put the IV in my wrist. WHAT?! She turned on the Jersey Boys sound track and we started talking about musicals, which was fun and all, and I could tell that she could tell that I was nervous. I tried to put on a brave face, but as she started tapping my wrist for veins, I started freaking out and asked in a shrill voice if this was gonna hurt, and she replied, "not any more than being stuck 4 time in the arm," then she went for it. OW, OW, OW!!! That really freaking hurt!!! She gave me a couple shots of antibiotics to start with, which stung like WOAH. I asked when I was getting the good stuff, and she just laughed, said this was when all modesty was going to fly out the window and bound my legs to the stirrups. Um. Yeah.

Finally, she said the good stuff was coming and that it was going to make the ceiling and the lights move. How did she know that? Did she try it on herself for fun? I remember looking up at the lights expectantly and didn't notice any changes, and then I turned my head to watch her do something and when I looked back up the ceiling, the lights were moving!!! Like thousands of tiny light bulbs on a very fast conveyor belt. I vaguely remember the doctors and the nurses saying something to me and then next thing I remember, the nurse was asking me to take a nap. I did nap for a bit, but I think I was uncomfortable, because about 20 mins later, I woke up and started texting my friend M, who was picking me up. She was there already but they had told her that I wasn't ready yet. Pshaw, I was so ready!! I got off the bed, put on my pants and shoes and opened the door and I felt great!! No more back pain, no more pressure in my stomach, no nausea - then the nurse rushed in and asked me to sit down so that she can take the IV out. Oops. The nurse handed me a prescription for 20 Percocet tabs, which I said probably wasn't necessary as I felt fine, but she said I'd feel it later. She explained that my ovaries were the size of grapefruits at this point and that even though they took the fluid out of the follicles, the ovaries will expand before decreasing in size. How can they get bigger than grapefruits?! Is that humanly possible? M took me to the pharmacy, then home where I passed out immediately.

Few hours later, I woke up with oh so much cramping everywhere!! So I took one of the pain pills, waited about 2 hours and then finally called the clinic again because it was NOT helping. The nurse told me to take another one and to call in the morning. I took another one, and waited and waited and an hour later, when nothing happened, I took another. Oops, mistake. About 10 minutes later I was throwing up and having hot flashes. I took some ibuprofen and passed out again. I continued to wake up through the night to take more meds. What a pain!!

Hoping it'll be better later...sigh...

T-1

Wow, I am having a pretty horrendous day. For one my stomach is HUGE, two there is so much pressure I can hardly stand up, three I can't sit, stand or lie down without pain. I went in for my last check up today, where the nurse assured me that I should feel pretty normal in about a week. I asked why I was feeling so awful, and she said that ovaries are generally the size of golf balls, but right now they are the size of large tennis balls, so of course there would be pressure. OMG, I can't wait!

I spent all day in bed trying to figure out the most comfortable position. Um, I discovered that there is none. Tonight looks like doom.

Harvest Time!!

The doctors had lowered my dose of hormones, good thing too because as I've been writing, I am not feeling fabulous lately. My breasts hurt, I can hardly drive without wincing at every little bump. And I'm soooooo bloated. I can't quite seem to be able to find a position where I'm semi comfortable. So, last night, I was allowed to eliminate Follistim from my daily regimen and lower the dose of Menopur to 75 units from 150 units. I was relieved as I was running out of potential injection sites (trying to avoid the bruises, which are darker today).

This morning I went in to the clinic for my the regular blood work and sonogram, where the doctor gasped over my ovaries' progress - lots and lots of eggs. So I inquired as to the number of eggs that he was seeing and he said about 25...um...which sounded a lot higher than what I thought they had said they were aiming for in the beginning. When I asked what the average number of eggs that were collected was, he said about 15. WOAH. I sure hope this couple will end up with a pregnancy! That's a lot of eggs!! Then he suggested that unless I was planning to get pregnant, I get on some serious birth control. He said that I would not have trouble having children in the future and that if I did, it would not be caused by me. It's nice to know that I have that ability. He asked how I was feeling and I went on a rant about the discomfort and the bruising, which he assured me was all normal and that it won't go on for long, since tonight I'd stop the usual hormone injections and take the trigger shot. That would make my harvest date 2 days from now!! Woot woot!

HCG - human chorionic gonadotropin - will trigger ovulation, about 48 hours after receiving it. The clinic will retrieve the eggs about 36 hours after injection, just before the eggs will be released from the ovaries. Unlike the others, HCG is given in the gluteal muscle in the upper buttock area. My instruction was to take it at 11:45pm. The needle is larger than the others, but at this point, I'm not really afraid of it. I needed to exert a bit more pressure to get the needle in, which wasn't comfortable but not that bad. It's been about an hour since the injection and my bum is quite sore - the kind of soreness you have after a work out. I also started taking 2 doxycycline pills a day - it's a precautionary measure against infections.

This means no injections tomorrow!! YAY!!! One more visit to the clinic before the harvest and then I'm done! I'm soooooooo excited!!!!

Wow...

For the past 4 days, I've been doubling up on Menopur and taking the same amount of Lupron and Follistim. It's too bad that I have to double the Menopur because that's the one that hurts. Oh well, I can take it, it's only for a few more days. When I saw the doctor on Friday, he said that I didn't even have a full week left - thank goodness, I'm so done with this. I'm uncomfortable most of the time, there's a lot of pressure in my stomach, which I notice the most when I go from standing to sitting or shift my position while sitting.

Now, with all the bloating and feeling fat, I've not been looking at myself very much. Last night, while preparing for this evening's shots, I yelped in shock as I discovered bruises around my belly button, around my injection sites. These aren't light bruises that you'd see after bumping into a table or something, these are deeply purple, ugly bruises, the hideousness significantly increased by the fact that it's in the middle of my belly.

To top it all off, I've had the worst night's sleep. I woke up around 3:00am, sweating and nauseous, which continued for a couple of hours (felt like a couple of centuries). I hope, I hope, oh I hope I don't have to go through it again tonight. Oh my gosh, I can't wait to feel normal again!!

Changes

So, I was crying watching silly movies for a few days. That didn't last for long. Shortly after my period ended, my breasts stopped aching and I am back to being my stoic self. That is too bad because I was hoping to see an increase in my bra size, even for just a little while. Instead what I am getting is a bloated tummy and gas - I know, it's really adorable. I noticed a couple of days ago that I was looking a bit thick around the middle. Thankfully, I don't think it's fat - I believe and I hope it's just water retention.

I was having hot flashes like it was my job for a couple of weeks, the strangest thing, I would be going on about my business and then it would hit, and I can't function, all I know is that it's devastatingly hot and I need it to stop. I'd get all pink and sweaty...not cute. Preview to menopause, not looking forward to it. Anyway, good news is, the hot flashes have stopped in the past few days, I think it has to do with the lower dosage of hormones, or maybe my body's learned to adapt.

All the doctors' visits are definitely making me cranky. I'm supposed to be there between 7:00am and 9:00am - are you kidding me?! I don't do mornings! The past few weeks was ok, because I was only going maybe ever 4 days or so. But this week, it's almost every day they want to take blood and do sonograms. Today, which is Turkey day eve, our office manager was supposed to have the day off, and I would cover for her, HOWEVER, the fertility clinic wanted me to come in the morning. I wrote them a very nice email explaining that I had to be at work all day from 7:30am til 5:30pm, and that I couldn't come in but that I would be happy to do so at any other time. Oh boy, I got a very angry response back from the nurse, scolding me for about 2 pages on how important these monitoring sessions are and that she went over the fact that there wouldn't be flexibility in my office visits before I started the cycle, yadda yadda yadda. So I messaged the poor, overworked office manager and she very kindly agreed to come in and cover me while I went to be monitored. So as I'm lying there with my feet in the stirrups and the doc prodding me with the sonogram stick, he's lecturing me about the importance of the office visits. OMG. I KNOW THAT. So I tried to explain that I wasn't being resistant to the visits, it's just that for the holidays, people take time off and I need to be there! GAWD!! So frustrating. I'm sure they're gonna want to see me again on Friday. I can't wait for this to be done. T-10 days (give or take a couple)!!

Fertility hormones

Since this past Friday, I've been giving myself 3 injections. Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur. Lupron, as I mentioned before, I've decreased the dosage to 5 units from 10 units.

Menopur triggers FSH and LH production in the body, it stimulates the ovaries to produce multiple follicles, which basically means I'll be more fertile. It is kind of complicated to administer, as it comes in a solid form, to be dissolved in 1ml of sodium chloride. I use a mixing cap to take the sodium chloride and transfer it into the Menopur vial, then suck up the entire content and then change the tip to a needle to inject into my tum tum. Menopur is a bit painful - it's not unbearable, but it stings and feels like a very sharp cramp. My least favorite of all three.

Follistim is a purified form of FSH - I store it in the fridge, and it's quite convenient as it comes in a pen form, and I can change the gauge at the base of the pen to administer the exact amount that I need. I thought this would feel the strangest, since the solution lives in the refrigerator and it's cold; however, it's the least weird. The needle is the biggest of the three, but I find that it's the least uncomfortable - it's probably disturbing to read this, but the needle goes in like knife through soft butter. It could cause breast tenderness, diarrhea, nausea/vomiting, constipation and hot flashes. Sure sounds like fun.

These injections leave me with some discomfort for about 20 mins afterward. It's not too bad - I keep thinking it's only for 2 weeks. Light massaging helps. Sometimes, I must not be doing it quite correctly, I find that I bleed at the injection site for a few minutes. My sharps box is getting full rapidly! Is it weird that I think that's cool?

Next big step!!

I went to the clinic to get another monitoring. It was a longer visit, with more elaborate blood work, where they took about 10 vials and ended with a sonogram. The doctor, while looking at the sonogram, exclaimed that I had beautiful ovaries, and asked the nurse to decrease the dosage of the hormones. So starting tonight, I will take half the amount of Lupron as before, and they also lowered the amount of Follistim from 175 units to 125 units. I won't start the Menopur and the Follistim until Friday, but it makes me feel better knowing that I can go through this process with less chemicals pumped into my abdomen. Just a few more days til the real hormones!!! Whoo!!!

Oh dear...

Ok, so I started having that feeling last night - the feeling you get before the special lady time of the month. That means the next big step's coming up, and SOON! Yikes!! I was watching Akeelah and the Bee last night and I don't cry easily and haven't done so in quote a while, but oh my gosh, the end of the movie left me with tears streaming down my face. Um...really?! Akeelah and the Bee?! Could it be the hormones? Maybe? I haven't had tenderness or achiness in my breasts during my period in years, but it's happening now. Updates to come!!

Day 7

It's day 7 - so 7 shots of Lupron. Not much to report really...I experienced hot flashes the first night, but that could have been induced by me, freaking myself out, expecting something to happen. For the past week, the only change I really noticed is how tired I get. Generally I'm like the Energizer bunny, I'll keep going as long as there's some kind of stimulus. Lately, I've been getting tired around 11:00pm and sleeping shortly after midnight. Lame!!

I do have a confession to make. The nurse told me that I could have about 2 drinks in one day if I wanted to have some wine with dinner or something. Ok, that's totally doable. So I've been keeping within the limits of 2 drinks/day if I had the opportunity to enjoy an adult beverage, and keeping up with the injections every night - that's pretty impressive, any of my girlfriends will tell you, I'm horrible at taking routine meds - in the case of birth control pills, I kept forgetting to take them. Once I had forgotten for 4 days and then took 5 pills in the morning and spent the whole day throwing up. Thank goodness for NuvaRing!! Anyway, so back to the confession. Friday night, my friend and I threw a party and I ended up spending the night there because I broke a major rule...I had quite a bit more than 2 drinks and it wasn't safe for me to drive, not to mention I was exhausted! Also, I didn't have the Lupron with me so I ended up taking the injection the next day early afternoon. I'm hoping it's going to work similarly to BCPs where if you forget to take it one night then you can take 2 the next day?

I feel horrible that I was so negligent that night. I promise I'll be good from now, I promise, I promise, I promise.

Here We Go!!

It's Monday - on Friday, I went in to the clinic to learn about all the medication I'll be taking, as well as how to give myself injections. First, they drew some blood to see if I was ready to begin the first round of meds. The nurse led me to a conference room where my lesson would take place, and on the way, she warned me not to panic. I couldn't help blurting out, "HOLY CRAP," when I saw what was waiting for me. There was a large paper shopping bag - if a bag that size had been filled with goodies from Banana Republic, I'd have clapped my hands and squealed with joy, HOWEVER, it was the perfect size to hold the goodies from the fertility clinic, which meant lots of hormones and syringes...so many syringes!!

The nurse was very nice and patient as she explained what everything was and I asked questions. I would start with Lupron, which is supposed to synchronize the mom and my menstrual cycles. So I'll be giving myself Lupron injections for about 2 weeks, and then I will start my monthly special lady time. After they check out my blood and sonogram, I'll start on the fertility drugs. On Lupron, I'm to expect hot flashes, which is fine for the most part, except when I work at night. I'm supposed to take the injection around 10pm every night, which means on the nights that I work, I'll have to run to the ladies' room, take injection, then deal with hot flashes as I clean up the bar. Hmmmm.

So after she explained what all the drugs were supposed to do, she pulled out the syringes and the practice carpules and I got to practice mixing and sticking. All was fine until she asked if I was ready to practice on my belly. Oh yeah, all my injections are in my tummy, an inch away from the belly button. I sat with the syringe in my hand, trembling and giggling nervously for a good couple of minutes. Mind you, the syringe is pretty small and the needle is as svelte as can be, and it's an inch long at the most, but oh-so-scary!! The nurse told me to take my time, and when I finally did it, it was easy peasy! It barely hurt, just a small prick - so I giggled for a couple more minutes from relief and then it was time for me to go home with a shopping bag full of fun.

The nurse hoped that I could start the Lupron on Friday, but unfortunately, I guess I wasn't ready yet. So I went in for another blood work today, and I got the green light to start the shots!! So 10:00pm rolled around and I tried to keep calm as I wiped my belly with an alcohol swab. I took the injection as practiced, and it went smoothly. Phew. I don't know if I'm imagining hot flashes or if I'm actually having them, but it sure it hot in here. I think I'll go and take a cold shower.

More testing...

The clinic has been asking me to come in for more blood work, cervical cultures, and an ultrasound. I had made an appointment, but of course, I caught a bug and became sick and it lasted for about 2 weeks, and I had to cancel my appointment. Finally, after being stalked by the nurse, I went in for my appointment where I got poked and prodded for 4o minutes.

They took about a dozen vials of blood, took culture samples from my cervix, and did a vaginal ultrasound. The whole thing was pretty uncomfortable, but they said everything looked good. And as I thought I was done, they remembered that they forgot to take one more vial of blood. Sigh, so they stuck me in the other arm and took more of my gift of life.

I was handed 2 packets of forms to be signed in front of a notary, one for the medical process and the other for consenting to an anonymous donation. I was relieved to find that I didn't have to make a choice between allowing the child to find my information once he/she turns 18 or to keep my anonymity. I also learned that if that option was available and the child wanted to find out who I was, all they would really find out from the clinic is the information they have now.

I'm going back in a couple of weeks to get training on the fertility drugs. Whoo! Freaking out!!

Genetics testing

So on 8/31/09, I went into a clinic in Rockville and filled in a registration form for my genetics test. This is where they find out if you are likely to pass on any genetic disorders. The examples the doctor gave me were Tay-Sachs disease and sickle-cell disease...neither of which I'm prone to seeing as I have no Jewish or African American ancestry.

First thing we did after introducing ourselves was to make a family tree of illnesses and causes of death. That was fun. Then he asked me how my veins were. I said they were fine, why? Well, because he needed to take about a million vials of blood (I exaggerate, there was only about a dozen). I kicked myself because I hadn't had anything to drink or eat since the night before, and my appointment was at 2:15pm. Idiot. I usually didn't have trouble donating blood so I figured I should be able to take on a dozen vials, and thankfully, my vein was a sturdy blood pipe. It was fascinating to watch my blood spurt into those vials and I was so impressed with my heart for all the pumping. The last 2 vials took a bit longer to fill up than the others, but the doctor thought it was all good. Even though I felt fine afterward, if you're going to get a genetics test, do nourish and hydrate yourself beforehand, I imagine it'll make the process much more pleasant for everyone.

All I have to do now is wait about 3 weeks for the results to come back. If my genes are good, I will begin injecting myself with hormones. Fun times ahead.

Kids...

So I was pretty sure I didn't want kids ever ever. Mostly because I'm selfish - I like to have me time, lots and lots of me time, I like hanging out with friends and going out whenever I want to, never having to worry about anyone else. I have very few responsibilities and I like it that way-keeping the plant sitting in the corner of my living room alive is difficult enough. Speaking of, I should water it, it's looking pretty limp.

I used to really like hanging out with kids, and I dreamed of having 3 kids - start with twin boys and then a couple of years later have a girl. My career goal was to work with children with autism, and I did for 3 years. I enjoyed it immensly in the beginning, but it was so intense, and soon I burnt out. It was around the time I decided not to pursue a career in working with children with autism that I started to feel that I didn't want to have children of my own. I used to say that it was because children seem to suck the life out of their parents, and the parents don't ever have time for themselves and I don't want to be in that situation.I know that parents with children with autism are in a completely different bracket from parents with "normal" kids, but I still felt the same way. Now that I've been thinking about it really long and hard, I think that's not it at all. I think I realize how much love and energy these parents devote to their children and I don't think I could ever do anything like that. What if I did have a child with autism? I burnt out in 3 years, how can I devote myself for the rest of my life? Parents work hard just to make a living, but then they also work waaaaaay harder to make sure their kids are getting the best of everything - and that never ever ends! Oh my brain hurts. I'll think about this later...

Background Story

During my sophomore year in college, my roommate came home one night, very excited about a new money making idea. She said she could make thousands of dollars by donating her eggs. I had no idea what she was talking about so she gushed and told me that she would take fertility drugs for a month and they'll harvest her eggs and she'll be rich. It sounded strange but intriguing, so we did some research and it didn't sound too bad. So we headed to the fertility clinic and we each filled out an application form. While talking to the doctor, I lost my interest as it seemed too time consuming and way more work that I wanted to put in.

About 2 years later, I decided that I didn't want to have children. I was so wise and I knew everything then, so I knew exactly what I wanted. I no longer have that superpower. While I knew I didn't want to have children of my own, I wanted to procreate and have my offspring indirectly - make a genetic donation to the world without the responsibilities. Egg donation seemed like the perfect solution - I would help someone, my want for indirect procreation will be done, and I wouldn't have to worry about whether the child/children were being taken care of because obviously the parents really really want to have the baby. And the fact that I get paid for it made it even more attractive. So I went back to the clinic, had a more serious discussion with the doctor and started getting the various tests done. The ultrasound, the blood test, and the psychological test were completed, I submitted my baby picture and all there was left to do was to wait for a couple to choose me.

I waited and waited and eventually, 3 years went by. There was some contact from them, asking if I still wanted to be on their donor list and such. I had basically forgotten about it when they called me out of the blue and asked for an additional baby picture as there was a couple who were interested but wanted to get a better picture since in the first picture I had a hat and sunglasses on. With my heart thumping, I sent them another picture. As I was sending the picture, I thought, oh my gosh, this could actually happen! It had been so long and I had basically given up on the whole thing. Now I wasn't sure if I 100% didn't want children anymore, there's always a possibility that as I get older, I may change my mind. Not that if I donate my eggs, I will lose my fertility, it's just that now, I didn't need someone else to have my baby (that sounds weird). I researched the egg donating process again and looked up the risks. Of course, I found a bunch of horror stories about ovarian hyperstimulation and infections in the uterus and the horrendous pain after the harvest. I spoke to a couple of ladies who had donated eggs before and they reassured me that those risks are very small and that they had good experiences. So I calmed myself down and waited for them to call me and say that I was chosen.

For 3 months, I heard nothing. So I gave up again, a bit offended that they rejected me after seeing a clear picture of my face. I was a cute child!! Then one day, I received an email from the coordinator informing me that I had been chosen by the couple and that I should schedule a genetics testing (I guess she had been calling me for weeks, but I was screening because I didn't know the number and my voicemail box is full so she couldn't leave me a message.). Oh my gosh, it's really going to happen!! PANIC!! I wrote back to let her know that I was still interested but wanted to ask about the risks and what she has witnessed at the clinic. All sorts of thoughts were going through my head - what will my family think, how will my boyfriend feel, can I give myself injections, how will I react to the hormones, what if I'm the small percentage of people that the bad things happen to, do I agree to have the child find out who I am if they choose to once they turn 18, can I commit to doing this for a month???

I will share my thoughts and my journey as an egg donor on this blog.